Dummy spitting

We’ve all seen those guidebooks with titles like “Computers for Dummies”. It got me thinking, what if one of the books was about mannequins? Would it be called “Dummies for Dummies”? What if you were looking for a book on, say, crash test dummies or pacifiers? To avoid any confusion, a seasoned self-helper would seek out a guidebook. It would be called, obviously, ”An Idiots Guide to Dummies for Dummies”.

Some of these guide books are on pretty technical stuff, like car maintenance and brain surgery. But would you want your car serviced by a guy holding a copy of “An Idiot’s Guide to Brain Surgery”? Come to think of it, what would an idiot be doing servicing cars? All the really smart idiots know that the big money is to be made in the building trades.

And, intelligent reader, how does an idiot know that there are guidebooks out there written specifically for idiots? I mean, anyone smart enough to know that is probably not an idiot. So who are these books aimed at? The sad answer is you and me, and I’m not so sure about you.

I have to take my propeller hat off to the marketers. What a coup to convince people that they should buy books that (a) acknowledge that the buyer is either an idiot or a dummy, and (b) advertise it to the world in giant letters on the front cover. It’s like walking around in a t-shirt saying “I’m Stupid And I’ve Got The T-shirt To Prove It”. Personally, if I’m reading an instruction book on the bus, I’d want the title to say something slightly more flattering, like “An Advanced Guide To Hydro-Domestic Engineering”, not “Changing Washers for Dummies”.

And just what is the technical difference between an idiot and a dummy? Are the books for dummies slightly harder to understand that the ones for idiots? Is a dummy an idiot who has read all the manuals? Or is an idiot someone who doesn’t know he’s a dummy? What if you worked in a bookshop and someone, say a moron, came into the shop and wanted advice on whether to buy an idiot’s guide or a book for dummies? Do you insult him by implying he is an idiot, or is that a compliment to a moron? Some of these morons are no dummies. I propose a guidebook answering all these questions entitled, naturally, “An Idiot’s Guide to Dummies (subtitled “Idiots for Dummies”)”. Now that would be useful. Other essential titles that regrettably will probably never see the light of day include: “Selling the Dummy for Dummies”, “Spitting the Dummy for Dummies”, and, my personal favourite, “Ventriloquism for Dummies”.

These books are, of course, more evidence of creeping Americanization (an apt and annoying example of which is my PC’s reluctance to spell Americanization with an “s”.) The theory seems to be that one’s education, and by implication one’s ignorance, is something to be shouted about.

Finally, it’s confession time. In my bookshelf is “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Screenwriting”. It’s actually well written and a handy guide. But somehow I just can’t imagine being interrupted reading it in a café and offered a writing job. No-one is that stupid.