The Antipodean Netball Championships have kicked off in a fanfare of girly grunting and squeaky shoes.
Unfortunately, like other newly manufactured or artificially expanded competitions, such as Super 8/10/12/14 or the EU, many of the participants have names that owe more to committees or pimply marketing types than to heart-pumping tradition.
By way of example, BabbelOn presents the Northern Mystics (full name, the LG Northern Mystics). BabbelOn can’t remember the last time mysticism was even illegal, let alone life-threatening. 17th century Salem maybe. Which reminds BabbelOn that the Witches is a perfectly good name for a netball team. Perhaps only bettered by the Bitches.
Assuming the magic doesn’t immediately kick in and the Mystics lose a few on the trot, BabbelOn can see them quickly become known as the Mistakes. And what’s with the Northern bit? Northern what? Iceland? Actually it seems to be the bit around Auckland. There’s another great netball name crying out to be trademarked – the Auckland Orcs. There should be some old LOTR latex masks lying around in Peter Jackson’s garage that they could borrow.
One upside of these naff names is, of course, that they provide plenty (Bay of Plenty in fact) of cheap copy for the headline writers and satirical bloggers. Wait for mid-season when the Mystics lose their belief in themselves and become known as the Agnostics.
Insipid ANZ team name #2: the Central Pulse (aka the Suzuki Pulse). The Suzuki Pulse(s?) would make some sense if it were the name of an actual car. The Pulse web-site gives one lucky supporter the chance to win a Suzuki Swift, which is the name of an actual car (if one can call a Suzuki a car). From here it does get slightly confusing, as the Swifts is the name of another team in the competition, from Sydney not Sintral New Zealand. (BabbelOn also cautions that it always pays to read the small print on these prize offers, as the Swift (the car not netballer) up for grabs is “an actual Team Suzuki Swift used by one of the Suzuki Pulse players for the season”. A sweaty Swift indeed.)
But enough of the free plugs. From where BabbelOn prognosticates, a pulse is either a slightly disturbing throbbing feeling in one’s neck or a legume (or possibly the Wes Craven horror
film with the tag-line “You are now infected”). What were the gurus thinking? If you want horror and vegetables, why not call yourselves the
Killer Tomatoes? At least then the fans would have something to throw at winning (or losing) games. What do they throw now, stethoscopes? Beans? If the Pulse season is on the line, prepare oneself for the tabloids to ask “Have the Pulse flatlined?” No, but the pressure is mounting (and the hypertension is killing me).
Naff name #3: The Canterbury Tactix (full name the SKOPE Tactix). This one is just silly. Tacky. Ungrammatical. Sounds like Tic tacs. BabbelOn can’t quite imagine a little girl in Christchurch looking up at her mum and saying, “When I grow up, I want to be a Tactic.” And, with all due respect to their sponsor, who or what is SKOPE? Utilising the full power of the INTERNET, and at great personal expense, BabbelOn has been able to ascertain that a SKOPE is either: (a) a
university department, (b) a carpet
shop, (c) a music
magazine, or (d) a refrigeration and heating company in New Zealand that sponsors a netball
team. On the basis that the correct answer is in fact (d), expect the Tactix to run hot and cold this year.
Meaningless netball name #4: the Southern Steel (aka the Southern Steel). They just keep coming don’t they? BabbelOn offers a few penultimate puns: These girls were red hot early in the season but cooled quickly and became brittle under pressure. However, they did manage to harden up and, while their tensile qualities could not be questioned, they were decidedly rusty by year end. Ahem.
The Southerners have not yet been able to secure a naming rights sponsor. BabbelOn humbly offers a
couple of
leads.
To counter accusations of trans-Tasman bias, (skipping gaily past the Waikato Bay of Plenty Magic) BabbelOn turns his withering gaze to the Australian teams in the ANZ competition. Nothing wrong with the Firebirds or the Swifts (apart from the Suzuki connection). The Thunderbirds (now that’s a car
worth winning) is also a fine name for a franchise, and one with real brains behind
it.
However, the West Coast Fever need to take a good hard look at themselves, or at least ask a doctor to do so. There is something not quite right there. Their
logo looks like a virus. Perhaps the following will explain why:
“West Coast Fever’s logo was designed following thorough research into the types of brand values Netball WA and key stakeholders thought the team should portray.”
Enough said.
Finally, and without further fanfare, BabbelOn announces the cake and candles for the hands-down weirdest team name in the ANZ Championship, and possibly world netball goes to … the Melbourne Vixens. Hot from their website they are: Elite. Alluring. (BabbelOn is not making this up). Competitive. Victorious. One could add: Arrogant. Tarts. But they are 2-0 after two weeks so maybe they are alluring after all. BabbelOn only wishes they had gone all the way (if readers will pardon the expression) and called themselves the
Super Vixens. After all, the Foxy Ladies do possess the player with possibly the sexiest name in world
sport.
Why mess around with euphemisms and marketing spin? Let’s call a siren a siren. As all the pimply marketing gurus and consumer/voters lucky enough to live in Western democracies know, there is one thing that sells everything, and it ain’t Suzukis.
