Wildly Exciting Is Our Normal

It is an axiom of marketing that generic products are the most heavily advertised.  And, it would seem, the more generic the product the greater the hyperbole.  Brand differentiation BabbelOn understands it is called in the trade.

One of the drawbacks of hyperbole, however, is that it can attract the eagle eye of the regulators, staid old munchkins that they are.  So, best to exaggerate qualities that are not readily measurable, like, say, wildness and excitement and, even, normality. 

“Wildly exciting is our normal” is an actual phrase BabbelOn observed on a consumer product apparently available in a number of western democracies.   

The product in question is not lingerie or triangular blue pills.  Vodka?  Holidays in New Zealand?  Not even close.  In fact, colder than a Kiwi vodka.

BabbelOn offers curious readers a clue.   

“Enter a world of botanical bliss” the label goes on to promise.  Orchids?  Herbal remedies?  Not quite but getting warmer. 

 ”… and unleash the power of your naturally beautiful hair.”  Of course.  Obvious when one thinks about it.  Hyperbole and beauty products have gone hand in hand since the Ponds Institute made its Nobel Prize winning breakthrough in hand cream research. 

Now that we are all on the same bottle, BabbelOn invites shiny haired readers to settle back and luxuriate in the marketing glow. 

“Embracing you like a meadow of fresh flowers … “  This sounds to BabbelOn uncomfortably like a scene from an M Night Shyamalan film.   The one where nature turns nasty and trees start hugging humans.   

“… this luxurious shampoo, blended with 100% organic botanicals …”  BabbelOn pauses to ask, perhaps rhetorically, what exactly is an organic botanical?  A quick detour via the INTERNET reveals that it is a plant extract.  An organic botanical is certainly wilder and more exciting than a plant extract. 

A close glance at the small print headed “Ingedients” reveals a number of things that don’t scream organic including: methylchloroisothiazolinone, FD&C Yellow No. 5, guar hydroxypropyltrimonium chloride and sodium xylenesulfonate.  A little further federally funded research allows the BabbelOn Institute to reassure potential consumers that those are all real ingredients, some of which did not give the rabbits eye cancer.  

However, all the unleashing and embracing turns out to be mere follicle foreplay compared to the bottom line.  This particular shampoo “… will take your hair to a place it’s never been before.” 

This is a claim that has BabbelOn googling the ACCC hotline.  Will one’s hair end up in the South Island necking vodka with Swedish backpackers?  Blissfully embracing a stranger’s tonsure in a Mongolian meadow?  Unfortunately, loyal readers, BabbelOn can attest that after years of carefully controlled experiments, the most likely destination is tamely, boringly and normally, down the plughole.

Not The Falun Gong Show

As one counts down the days to the Games of the XXIX Olympiad, BabbelOn invites athletic readers to observe that while the Games (TM) might survive boycotts, drug busts and political hijackings, no Games (TM) would ever be complete without annoying, overexposed, crass little members of the Olympic family.  Not IOC members or NBC commentators but Olympic mascots. 

BabbelOn’s research reveals that the first official mascot appeared at the Munich Olympics. Every four years since (two if you count the winter ones) gay, plush little sprites have had their brief moment in the sun on their way to the $2 shops. 

 

Here’s a quick refresher:  

 

1972 Munich – Rudi the Cheeky Beer Stein

1976 Montreal – Amik the Beaver

1980 Moscow - Misha the Bear

1984 Los Angeles - Juan the Crack Dealer

1988 Seoul - Hodori the Contract Killer

1992 Barcelona – Cobi the Dog

1996 Atlanta - Izzy the Complete Debacle

2000 Siddeny - Syd, Ollie and Millie the Committee

2004 Athens - Con the Fruiterer

 

Yes, you are right, Rudi was actually spelled Rudy and he was not cheeky.  He was a daschund called Waldi.   

 

The 2008 Beijing Games will no doubt set many records (eg locked up dissidents, mercury poisoning) but it will also smash the most mascots record with five official mascots (beating the four snow owls from the Nagano Winter Games).  Called “Fuwa”, they are child-like creatures who take their inspiration from the colours of the Olympic rings.

 

Without further ado, let’s meet this delightful little Gang of Five.

 

First up is Beibei: 

In China’s traditional culture and art, the fish and water designs are symbols of prosperity and harvest. And so Beibei carries the blessing of prosperity. A fish is also a symbol of surplus in Chinese culture, another measure of a good year and a good life.  The ornamental lines of the water-wave designs are taken from well-known Chinese paintings of the past. Among Fuwa, Beibei is known to be gentle and pure. Strong in water sports, she reflects the blue Olympic ring.

Also strong in water sports was that cute little fish, Yuan Yuan.  Unfortunately, whilst gentle (until angered when she would fly into a rage), Yuan Yuan wasn’t pure, and a surplus in her carry-on led to a blue with immigration authorities and a few lost years in the non-competing wilderness.

But enough of that unpleasantness, let’s meet Fuwa #2:

 

Jingjing makes children smile — and that’s why he brings the blessing of happiness wherever he goes. You can see his joy in the charming naivety of his dancing pose and the lovely wave of his black and white fur. As a national treasure and a protected species, pandas are adored by people everywhere. The lotus designs in Jingjing’s headdress, which are inspired by the porcelain paintings of the Song Dynasty (A.D.960-1234), symbolize the lush forest and the harmonious relationship between man and nature. Jingjing was chosen to represent our desire to protect nature’s gifts — and to preserve the beauty of nature for all generations. Jingjing is charmingly naïve and optimistic. He is an athlete noted for strength who represents the black Olympic ring.

 

What is with the Chinese and panda?  Pander more like.  Some lucky little Jingjings even have their own kindergarten.  They get better medical care than the average Chinese kid.  Not to mention siblings to play with. 

 

BabbelOn cannot help reflecting that the love of cuddly bears doesn’t appear to extend to non-panda species.  It’s quite a different quality of life quotient if one happens to be, say, a brown bear.  One might not fully appreciate the joy or charming naivety in living in a steel cage with a tap in your side.  However, the Chinese certainly do desire to protect nature’s gifts.  The Chinese medicine trade for one would hate to see them lost forever. 

Relationships all over the world have been rendered more harmonious via the gentle intervention of a little dried tiger penis or rhino horn.  The finless shark, spiralling down to a bloody death at the bottom of the China Sea, is a potent symbol of the the Chinese people’s commitment to preserving the culinary beauty of nature.   Mmmmm … nature.     

Next up, HuanHuan:

In the intimate circle of Fuwa, Huanhuan is the big brother. He is a child of fire, symbolizing the Olympic Flame and the passion of sport — and passion is the blessing he bestows. Huanhuan stands in the center of Fuwa as the core embodiment of the Olympic spirit. And while he inspires all with the passion to run faster, jump higher and be stronger, he is also open and inviting. Wherever the light of Huanhuan shines, the inviting warmth of Beijing 2008 — and the wishful blessings of the Chinese people — can be felt. The fiery designs of his head ornament are drawn from the famed Dunhuang murals — with just a touch of China’s traditional lucky designs. Huanhuan is outgoing and enthusiastic. He excels at all the ball games and represents the red Olympic ring.

 

No guesses as to who this little cutie represents.  Big brother?  A child of fire?  Open and inviting?  Yes, of course, it’s the Chinese Communist Party.  Whenever the light of the CCP shines, the wishful blessings of the Chinese people can be felt.  In the cupboard, under the bed, behind the woodpile.  In exile.  The red Olympic ring of fire that burns, burns, burns. 

 

Huanhuan not only excels at all the ball games, he is also pretty handy with the stick.  

 

Now let’s meet … Yingying!  

 

Like all antelopes, Yingying is fast and agile and can swiftly cover great stretches of land as he races across the earth. A symbol of the vastness of China’s landscape, the antelope carries the blessing of health, the strength of body that comes from harmony with nature. Yingying’s flying pose captures the essence of a species unique to the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau, one of the first animals put under protection in China. The selection of the Tibetan Antelope reflects Beijing’s commitment to a Green Olympics. His head ornament incorporates several decorative styles from the Qinghai-Tibet and Sinkiang cultures and the ethnic design traditions of Western China. Strong in track and field events, Yingying is a quick-witted and agile boy who represents the yellow Olympic ring.  

 

Yingying’s flying pose captures the essence of a species unique to the Tibetan plateau, the Buddhist priest running from an AK-47.  Run faster!  Jump higher!  These precious creatures have been under the protection of Big Brother Huanhuan for over 50 years now. 

 

Yingying is a quick-witted and agile young antelope, who, if he is lucky, may escape to India to grow up to be a llama, or even a Lama.

 

Last but not least we have Nini!

Every spring and summer, the children of Beijing have flown beautiful kites on the currents of wind that blow through the capital. Among the kite designs, the golden-winged swallow is traditionally one of the most popular. Nini’s figure is drawn from this grand tradition of flying designs. Her golden wings symbolize the infinite sky and spread good-luck as a blessing wherever she flies. Swallow is also pronounced “yan” in Chinese, and Yanjing is what Beijing was called as an ancient capital city. Among Fuwa, Nini is as innocent and joyful as a swallow. She is strong in gymnastics and represents the green Olympic ring.

Nini represents the wind blowing through the capital.  Hopefully not during the Games as the smog from the coal-fired power plants will kill all the athletes.

Nini is strong in gymnastics because when she was four, she was identified in a nationwide screening process as having the genetics and malleable temperament necessary to win gold medals.  She thus left her proud and patriotic family with their new buffalo and moved to a school for gifted athletes in Mongolia, where, under the watchful eye of her new mother, she pounded her tiny drug-filled body for years before tragically missing out on the National team when she broke her pelvis climbing out of the window of a moving bus on the way to the selection trials. 

Nini might be as innocent and joyful as a swallow.  But, sorry BOCOG, BabbelOn just doesn’t swallow it. 

The official website does not explain what “Fuwa” means.  Apparently it has something to do with good luck charms. 

BabbelOn smells a rat and suspects FUWA is actually a good old-fashioned, Cold War, acronym. 

The FU is obvious.  But WA?  “We’re Asian”?  “White A**holes”?  “Western Athletes”?  “Wicked Americans”? 

BabbelOn predicts hours of pre-Olympics fun for the kiddies as they play with this one.