The Perils and Joys of Public Transport #1

BabbelOn recently had cause to take a commuter train into the city.

Settling down with a good book, your travelling correspondent soaked in the vista as the train shunted its way down the green Blue Mountains.

At one of the last stops before the (Emu) plains, the adjacent seat was taken by an aged chap sporting a parka, pulled down cap and a backpack.  His long grey hair was pinned back loosely and his longer beard was scraggly. 

After squeezing in and stuffing his backpack between his legs, he unzipped it and pulled out a notebook (Dell) and a portable DVD player (make unknown) and joined them up on his knee.  He then plugged in some earphones, dipped into his pocket for a snack (type unknown) and scrunched down to watch his DVD.

BabbelOn was begrudgingly impressed with his companion’s techno-savvy but could not help observing (the seats were rather limited ergonomically) that his neighbour’s choice of audiovisual material did appear to be on the nubile side.  Fresh-faced American teens dancing about in pyjamas.

This did seem rather spicy for the 7.34 to Central.  As the remainder of the carriage was filled with kids and mums off to the Easter show, the contrast was almost alarming.

At one point, the material appeared to overcome BabbelOn’s travelling companion and he whispered what sounded to BabbelOn like

“… into the fire”

What flames were consuming him?  Not those of forbidden (and most certainly illegal) desire, surely?  And then, again, this time louder

“… into the fire”

The situation was becoming distinctly uncomfortable for your correspondent, trapped next to a possible sex offender in the process of, literally, firing up. 

BabbelOn became more attentive, in as unobtrusive a manner as possible given the circumstances.

The principal character in the audio-visual entertainment bore a resemblance to a young Sarah Michelle Gellar.  This calmed BabbelOn somewhat, reassured in the knowledge that an actor of such stature would never appear in anything less than tasteful.

A small bell then rang in your correspondent’s Monday morning mind.

Buffy.  Of course.  

Pedophile terror alert downgraded to beige. 

Subsequent post-detraining BabbelOnian research reveals that the episode in question was Once More With Feeling, something of a classic, not only rated 9.6/10 by discerning IMDB patrons but the 12th best musical of all time by Channel 4 viewers (just behind My Fair Lady).

And “into the fire” is a lyric from one of the songs.

Public transport lessons learned; #1 the 7.37 from Wentworth Falls to Central takes exactly two hours, and #2  anything else is speculation. 

Handy Homeless Hints

Homelessness is one of the few growing sectors of the economy, if not the actual workforce.

Having made something of a study of the habitats and habits of the homeless, BabbelOn humbly offers some tips for those who find themselves at the mercy of the street.

Location

Anywhere with steady passing traffic is desirable.  Corners with wide footpaths, designer shops, fast food outlets and pedestrian malls are ideal.

Pick somewhere undercover, preferably set back slightly so as not to appear too pushy.

Competition for spots is growing all the time, so get out early and stake your ground.  Do not be afraid to assert yourself if another HP attempts to move in on your space.  However, marking out your territory big cat style is unnecessary.

Marketing

Make yourself visible but not offensive.  Give your customers plenty of time to see you so they can fumble in their pockets for change without having to stop or even slow down.

Silly hats can lighten the mood but can also look pathetic.  A droopy jester’s hat is always a mistake.  An occasional change of clothes can work wonders.  Try a fresh t-shirt (cast-offs from the charity backpackers are always a possibility).

Stay tidy, try to wash as often as possible.

A pet can be useful; particularly one with big eyes and a gammy leg.

For your begging receptacle, choose a wide flat cardboard box with a generous landing area, big enough to be an easy target for a moving commuter.  Try raising it to an accessible level, even taping it to a pole at hip height.

A cardboard sign is an effective way to advertise your position.  Make it legible and simple.  Try to come up with an original slogan.  Aim for correct spelling and grammar; don’t give the pedants a reason to skip you.

Do not under any circumstances play loud music.  Your tastes are unlikely to be congruent with those of your clients.

The Pitch

Avoid eye contact unless a customer looks at you.  Do not speak to your clients unless they speak to you first.

On the other hand, if a potential customer hesitates or makes eye contact, it is a good idea to say something; the right word can seal the deal.  Try not to mention medical conditions or addictions.  A friendly grunt or even a “Hello, I need your help” can do the trick.  Always say thank you.

Flirting with secretaries is risky, especially if you have yoghurt stains on your tracksuit pants.

Be careful with the dramatics, they can be repellant.  Do not hold out your hand or lie on the ground like a leper.

Finally, whatever you do, try to keep your dignity.  Remember this is Australia, not some third world country.

Press ganged

The presence of anarchists at the G20 summit has been blamed for an outbreak of media in London.  According to police sources, a large and unruly mob of press photographers gathered at the scene of a violent protest and began to behave in a manner which endangered public safety. 

A member of the press corps, who wished to be identified, stated that in his opinion the presence of the anarchists was a provocation that the journalists were unable to resist. 

“If they hadn’t been protesting in a public place, many of the photographs simply would not have been taken.  I’m not saying that it’s their fault I’m just saying that the situation became a lot worse than it would have been if they hadn’t been there, practically in our faces.”  

Police had warned of the possibility of media violence but the anarchists and other protesters nevertheless went ahead.  

“It’s just irresponsible of the protesters to stir the press up like this” a police spokesman said.  “We knew that something like this could happen.  As soon as the spray-cans or banners come out, the journalists appear from nowhere.  Smashing the windows at the Royal Bank of Scotland was more than they could bear.  It just gets out of hand very quickly and before you know it the anarchists and radicals are being elbowed out of the way in the name of press freedom. ” 

“We tried to keep them within the designated media area but they had us out numbered.  Nowadays every idiot with a mobile phone thinks he works for CNN.  It’s getting harder and harder to stage a peaceful, violent, orderly, anarchical protest these days.”

Watching the detectives

Stephen Conroy appears on the ABC programme Q&A to discuss his controversial internet filtering plan.   More than 2000 questions are received via email, SMS and from audience members, and virtually every one of them is opposed to the filtering proposal.

Conroy:  I’m glad that’s over.  Get me a UDL will you?  Anything with vodka in it. 

What a bunch of lightweights.  Did you see Hunt?  Out of his depth.  Didn’t wear a tie thinking that would make him look cool.  Just made him look like he had borrowed his dad’s suit.  

What’s this about the list still having harmless sites on it??  I told those ACMA idiots to clean it up.

Minister Conroy’s media advisor (who Crikey.com is reliably informed is a nice guy who deserves better):  They did.  Here I can show you. 

I don’t want to see it. 

Why not?

Well, I’m sick of looking at it.  To be honest, it’s starting to affect me.  I can’t imagine what the actual sites are like. 

Do you want to see them?

No, of course not.  Are you kidding me?

It might help you speak with more authority.

What’s wrong with my authority?  Are you questioning my authority?

No, not at all.  I’m just saying that when people ask you what the sites are like you could say something like “They are appalling, I was appalled.  Any right thinking person would be appalled.”  Words to that effect.

That’s why we have the censorship board.  It’s their job to sit in a dark room being appalled for a living.  That’s why we pay them.

But you’re the politician.  It means more coming from you.  Plus you can wedge the libertarians.  Hunt won’t be able to touch you.  He can hardly say that he has checked out the sites – this is refused classification material.  He’d look like a sicko.

I can hardly say that looking at the sites is harmful if I then have to admit that I’ve looked at them.

It’s only harmful to the young and the vulnerable. 

Define “vulnerable”. 

Anyone who might be harmed by looking at it. 

And who might that be?

Well, the young.

And?

Anyone with a sensitivity to this sort of material.

Such as?

I don’t know, I’m not a psychiatrist.

So, someone with a psychiatric problem?

Or a sensitivity.   To this sort of material. 

The weak-minded? 

I suppose.

Self-abusers, that sort of thing? 

I’m being serious. 

So am I.   We are trying to protect people from themselves. 

We are just protecting the people from illegal, dangerous material.  I can’t believe we are having this discussion again.  You can’t back out now. 

The technical guys reckon it will slow internet speeds by 20%.  So much for Kevin’s broadband revolution.  

We’ll blame Telstra.  No-one will know the difference. 

Good point.  Get me another UDL will you?